Create A Sim

If only, if only, the little girl sighs,
I could edit the world and create my own lives.
While the girl hangs her head, defeated and lonely,
She cries to the moon, if only, if only.

[Based on a poem by Louis Sachar in his book Holes.]

Have you ever played the Electronic Arts game The Sims? It is one of the most interesting games you could ever find. It's not a game like Diablo or Quake; what happens is you create a character or characters, and then you tell them how to live their lives. It's really quite intriguing, and very fun once you learn the ropes to the game.

I wish I could create myself how I want to be, enter situations that I want to enter, and react how I want to react. Why can't I be perfect to myself? Everything I do is wrong. Am I doomed to be awful in my sight forever? I tell people that they need to have more self esteem, and I act like I have a comfortable level of it, but inside, I 'know' what I am: I'm bad at math, I have no self discipline, I can't write papers, I don't understand chemistry, I don't appreciate reading scripts, and I need a friend to force me to talk to a teacher about anything important. The only thing in school that I think I do good in is French, where I understand what she says and have 98% just two days from semester, both of which I am very proud of.

I had a mental breakdown last night. At about six-thirty or seven, I started despairing because I couldn't bring myself to work on that important paper for History. By seven-thirty, I decided I needed to write in my journal, actually write, because it feels a bit more real than typing, and was writing in my journal about what was going on. No more than five minutes and two paragraphs later, I was starting to cry because my entry sounded like a suicide note: what am I doing, I hate how my life is going, why does it seem like I do things for others when my reasons should be that I'm doing it for myself, my family and two friends would miss me if I died, etc.

I couldn't stop crying. I turned on my Les Misérables CD and laid down on my bed, still crying, and just listened to the music. I was listening to disk two first, and On My Own made me cry even harder. I was just imagining how much better any world that I created for myself would be, and what it would be like to want and need someone like Eponine did with no way for it to ever happen. I then grabbed my three favorite stuffed animals, my baby blanket, the blanket my mom made me for Christmas, and the Les Mis CDs and went into my sister's room. I put the CDs in and curled up in her bed and cried until I fell asleep.

In other words, I didn't finish my History paper.

I had a dream last night that when I woke up it was Thursday. I remember thinking, 'Yesterday wasn't so hard.' When I woke up and found out from my mom that it was truly Wednesday, I realized that the reason it wasn't so hard was because it never even happened in the dream. I wish today hadn't happened. It was miserable.

I had to take a chemistry test first period, and I was still really tired and felt really down. Second period I had to give a presentation and I don't think it was very good. Third we had a review for the math final and I still don't understand all of it. Fourth, at least, was good; I got some sleep while we watched a movie she told us we wouldn't be tested on. Fifth was history, which was awful, because all we did was put finishing touches on our papers and the entire time my face was rubbed into my mistakes. I actually loved sixth. I love French. Someday I am going to change my name, move to France, and be a baker or a florist or something simple, yet not. Laurence talked me into telling him what happened to make me so upset today, and then convinced me to talk to Mrs S about turning in the paper tomorrow morning for less credit. I felt like beating him up, but I also felt like hugging him. He is a good friend. So then I went to Mrs S and talked to her; she seemed to think that the 'breakdown' I mentioned was because I didn't know how to do the paper, so I just went along and asked questions I alreay knew the answer to because that is what she expected.

Now that I'm thinking about what she said, I'm kind of pissed off. She said to bring it in before school tomorrow and she would 'mull it over,' as in, decide whether to give me any credit or not. You know what, witch? If you aren't going to give me any credit, what is the point of me doing this assignment? I hope she knows that I strongly resent her now. First she puts me in this position (no, I am not blaming what I've done on her, but it certainly wouldn't have happened without her), and then she has the nerve to tell me that she will 'mull it over.' Mull it over?! Mule it over, more like, witch. Tell me straight, am I going to get credit or not? Because if I'm not, there is no reason at all to even attempt to finish this assignment!

But I'm too upset to be very pissed off, and I don't have enough resolve in anything I do to take a stand like this against her.

If I say, my heart is sore,
Sounds like a cheap metaphor,
So I won't repeat it no more.

[From Poem To A Horse by Shakira.]

Thanks to storygirl for the comment. /smile Thanks for the well wishes, I'll need all the help I can get today as I attempt to write it. XD

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The Little Engine That Could

Dear storygirl,
I must agree, I felt much better after crying so much, even if much better is a completely reative term... it wasn't very good compared to most other days. I hope I continue to do it every once in awhile... with less marinating in my depression first, to 'steal' your expression. /grin
After my break (I actually got through taking all my notes before I stopped, very proud moment for me), I am definitely doing an outline. It's the only way I can get anything done right in relatively long papers like this one.
As I would be a complete dictator of a teacher, I guess I can't really fault Mrs S for simply mulling over things, can I? Murmur murmur.
I'll link you back, once I get my links up... but I've been thinking that since I began this blog, so that's not much of a promise. /grin


In case anyone didn't catch that, I'm about halfway done with the paper: the research part is done, now all I have to do is write it. That isn't normally very hard for me, especially in fact-based papers, so I'm pretty much good to go. I figure I have about three-four hours of work ahead of me... normally, I go long in my figures, so I'm having pretty positive feelings here.

The fact that tomorrow is a half day and I only have one final which I am feeling more confidence in now (math) probably has a lot to do with that positive-feelingy-ness, but that's completey beside the point.

Well, back to work. I'm long over what I decided was going to be my break time. /gag

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